King Charles' Mistake
by savinglives44
Summary: AU take on the 2nd season Christmas episode, when Derek tells Addison that he love Meredith. Not too much canon. Addison and Derek go their separate ways and learn something. Addek. MerDer. AddisonDenny.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Not my characters. Spoilers for that 2nd season Christmas episode, and also for _Titanic._**

**Possibly Thinking**

After fifteen years of walking in three inch heels, one would think it would get easier.

Addison Montgomery-Shepherd found this wasn't true as she chased her husband down one of the long corridors at Seattle Grace. If he would just stop for a moment, she could catch her breath and stop the prickling in her toes. "I just need a few minutes." She tried to keep her voice down as she gasped after him.

He rounded a corner quickly, and she skidded, as not to lose her balance. "I want your opinion on these sweaters. Which color do you think your mom will like best?" She held the magazine up to his back.

He sped away, trying to ignore her.

"Can you just stop for a second?" She grabbed his arm, which he promptly yanked away. He turned into the radiology dark room, her on his heels.

Finally, he stopped to hold an x-ray up to the light.

It was dark and her calves were aching. She waited. He took a few deep breaths, lowered the x-ray, and turned on the light. Scowling, he snatched the magazine from her hands, "I like the red one." He threw it down on a nearby counter. "Will you stop following me now?" He rested his hands on the counter and looked away.

She walked over to him and swallowed anxiously. He was so different, and rude. She supposed he had the right to be. She missed him, and wanted to talk and laugh and kiss like they used to. "You can't spare five minutes for your wife?" Her attempt to sound stronger failed, and he noticed her lack of control.

He glanced at her. "I'm sorry. I'm busy." He fingered through a couple papers. "Something went wrong with my patient...and I just don't have time."

She stared at him, even though he wouldn't acknowledge her. She decided that talking about work was better than not talking at all. "What happened with your patient?"

Clearly, his mind was somewhere else. "Uh..." He mumbled distractedly, "his personality changed for an unknown reason."

This sounded ironically familiar to her. "Will I see you at home tonight?"

"No," he was quick to answer that question. "I want to get this guy home for Christmas."

"But what about our Christmas?" They loved the holiday season.

"That's a little selfish, don't you think?" He still didn't look up.

She almost couldn't believe him, but she had no rebuttal. "I suppose," she leaned over the counter, "Hey, do you remember that Christmas when we spent the entire day baking cookies?"

She shuffled closer, hopefully, until her arm touched his sleeve. He took a long pause, and she wondered if he was paying attention. His gaze hadn't moved from the x-rays, even though there wasn't a light under them. She was about to give up and leave when he asked, "Was that the year we played football in the snow?"

She remembered it vividly. "Yeah," she said excitedly, "You guys were bored, and when you came in, you were all wet and dirty. Mom was so mad."

He didn't respond, and still seemed to be intently concentrating on nothing.

She knew it was pathetic, but, somedays, she lived on the little moments that he paid attention to her. She tried again to get a reaction from him. "Do you think they're going to be angry with us because we aren't going home this year?" She desperately missed Christmases with the Shepherd family.

"I don't know," he sighed, irritated, "Probably."

She guessed he didn't want to talk about it. His apathy towards his family seemed out of character. Even before the affair, when he was distant and indifferent, he still cared about his family. It destroyed her to know that she could be the cause of his separation from his family.

She remained silent, and touched the sleeve of his white coat. It was comforting to be near him, especially in a rainy, unfamiliar city where no one was more than an acquaintance.

He didn't pull away.

But then it was gone, as quickly as it had begun. "Addison, it's been five minutes."

"Oh." She backed away and pointed to the door. "I'll let you work. Save lives." She walked towards the exit and turned around before she reached the doorway. "Will I see you at Joe's tonight?"

"Maybe." He looked up to watch her leave.

Reluctantly, she forced herself away from the room, magazine in hand. She was no more than ten yards away from the radiology room before she knocked shoulders with Meredith Grey.

Of course. She should have suspected Derek wanted her out of there before his rendezvous with the intern. Earlier, when she wasn't used to Derek's friendship with Meredith, something like this might have bothered her. But now, she was an accepting person. Acceptance of this life.

Or maybe she was just numb.

Either way, she apologized quickly to Meredith, laughing and making a joke that probably wasn't funny.

Still, it was enough. Meredith laughed without saying much of anything, and left hurriedly. Addison let out a breath of relief. The inter made her very nervous. She didn't know what to expect from the woman her husband preferred. She couldn't make herself turn around and watch Meredith enter the radiology room. She resigned herself to the fact that Meredith would always be in Derek's life from now on.

But even with the petite intern running around, she still believed that Derek could love her.

* * *

"I fell in love with her, and that doesn't go away because I decided to stay with you." He looked at her as if there was nothing he could do about it. His hair was perfect, she noticed. Every dark brown wave in place.

He turned in his seat to face away from her. He didn't want to look at her.

Her eyelids fell over her eyes as she heard his words in clarity. The first time around she didn't quite hear him, or didn't want to. But then it replayed in her head, and sunk in, and stung her everywhere.

Finally, he had paid attention to her, spoken to her directly and honestly, but she wanted him to take it all back. She supposed this made her some sort of a hypocrite.

She held her breath in fear of what he would say next. In that time, she realized exactly what he was implying.

His commitment to her was stopping him from having a good Christmas.

She looked back up at him. Except for the perfect hair, he appeared miserable. His eyes shrunk into his head, and his stubble shadowed his face. He glanced at her, probably disappointed she was still here.

He was hoping she'd storm out and leave him for good. That's what any sane person would do.

He was in love with Meredith. The words kept coming back to her, slicing through her chest every time. She wanted to cry out, to beg him for understanding and memory.

She couldn't make him love her, though. She opened her mouth to say something, but a mucous-y sob caught in the back of her throat. She had to drink a half glass of buttered rum before she felt confident enough to speak. "I'm sorry the Christmas season didn't turn out that well for you this year." She had tried to make it the same, but the tree didn't fit inside the trailer, and she hadn't found a church yet in Seattle.

"Me too." He looked down at his drink. Did he have to be so blatantly disappointed with her? His little "I don't want to hurt you or leave you" disclaimer didn't mean anything, and they were supposed to be working on their marriage. It was supposed to be different than New York. That's why she was living in a horrid trailer in Seattle.

Then again, from the second she saw him, and he looked back at her, she knew she didn't deserve him. The nerdy, nervous redhead, and Derek Shepherd, in all his wonderful qualities? He was too perfect to be true, and he _liked _her. It had taken her a long time to feel confident with him, and after ten years of marriage, he ignored her and destroyed everything she had built.

She had to get him out of there before he saw how upset she was. Her emotions embarrassed her, and she knew he would pity her. "Isn't Meredith having a Christmas get-together tonight?" She tried to sound carefree.

"Yeah," He replied, confused. He cupped the glass of his drink in both of his hands, and turned it in circles with his thumbs.

"You should go." They both shouldn't have to be miserable, and his happiness was much closer than hers.

He laughed bitterly. "Yeah, sure." He threw a sip of his drink back.

"I'm serious." She couldn't believe that she had to convince him to spend time with the woman he loved. "Meredith would want you there. She's going through a tough time right now." She needed to be alone in order to wallow at her inablitiyto keep her husband satisfied.

"That's ridiculous." He scoffed, "I'm not going to leave you alone on Christmas." He was looking for a way to leave guilty-free.

She gave it to him. "I'll be fine. Callie and I were going to hang out anyway." She smiled, tears shining in her eyes.

In no time he was halfway out of his chair, his eyebrows raised in excitement. "Are you sure?"

"Of course," She didn't know how she was sounding so cheerful. "I trust you." Actually, she didn't. But still, the denial set in, and she let herself believe that there was a chance he wasn't sleeping with Meredith. "I want you to have a good Christmas."

He put his coat on in a matter of seconds, and he leaned forward to touch her hand. "Thanks, Addison." His eyes appeared livelier than when he had walked in, exahausted from work. Apparently, just the thought of Meredith awakened his spirit. He was almost out the door, looking back at her. "Have a good time with Callie!"

"I will!" It was almost sarcastic. She waved, wondering if he could tell she was lying, or if he just chose to ignore it.

He was safely out of view when she crumbled. Luckily, Joe's provided a dark atmosphere, hiding the moisture on her cheeks. Her head collapsed onto her folded arms. She let a soft whine escape. Somehow, she had ruined her second chance with him.

Now, she was stuck here, in a dirty bar full of people she hated, trapped in by the rain, without her husband who loved someone else. If there was a game of whose life sucks the most, she would have a good shot at victory.

Her stomach wrenched at the thought of Derek's love for someone else. It would make his life eaiser and happier if she just disappeared. Gone. He probably wouldn't even notice.

She wiped the snot from her nose and walked over to the bar to pay her tab. Joe noticed her puffy eyes and flushed complexion. "Addison? Are you okay? Where's Derek?"

She sluggishly dug through her purse for cash. "He left a couple of minutes ago.

"Can I call him?" Joe reached for the phone. "Or a cab?"

"No! Don't call him!" She lowered her voice. "I don't want to bother him anymore." She was so tired of being annoying.

"I'm sure he'd be happy to pick you up," Joe said in his overly confident, reassuring tone.

"I'm not drunk!" That seemed to be what he was implying. "I'm just going for a walk."

Joe tried to stop her. "Now, come here. Sit. Talk. Have another drink if you wish."

It didn't work. She was almost out the door. "It's not going to help." She shook her head hopelessly. He couldn't play therapist this time.

Her situation wasn't fixable.

* * *

She left, out into the sprinkling rain. It didn't really bother her. Wandering down the street, she realized she didn't have anywhere to go, in particular.

Her knowledge of the city wasn't impressive; she knew the route to the trailer and back, and that was about it. She hadn't the time or desire to go anywhere else.

But now, she knew she couldn't face the emptiness of the trailer or the loneliness of the woods.

She looked at every shop on the street. The city was nice, with all the interesting people walking around. It distracted her from thinking about Derek, and where he was at that very moment.

She kept walking and the city grew more sparse, clusters of buildings every other block or so. Water replaced concrete.

She found a park near the shoreline. There was a footbridge lining the outside of the path, offering a more scenic view of the ocean. It was narrow, but protective railings held her in. She looked out at the water, twenty feet below. The wind forced her to take a breath of humid, salty air. She liked it when her hair blew back, out of her face. Derek used to say he could see every color of red in her hair when it was like that.

It was best not to think about him.

She looked around at the park. No one was near. There was a cement block that was holding the railing up, which created a space between the railings. She tilted her head, gauging if she could fit through. She pushed herself onto the block, and scoooted over to the two foot wide ledge in front of the railing. If she held onto the railing from behind, she felt safe facing the water.

It was exhilerating, knowing she could die at one misstep.

Up on the bridge, her disastrous marriage didn't matter, nor her affair. She was alive.

The water was dark. It wouldn't take a lot to swallow her up.

She checked her cell phone. It had been almost an hour. Surprisingly, there was a missed call from Derek. She stuck the phone back in her pocket.

If he was happy with Meredith, there was no reason it should be ruined by the reminder of her.

She kept seeing them laughing and kissing. She didn't want to see that anymore.

It would be so easy to disappear. Her gaze didn't budge from the spot on the water. Her hands slowly dropped from the railing. No, she couldn't actually jump. That would be crazy. She would not jump.

Then why was she moving closer to the end of the ledge?

A hand closed over hers, and she leapt back, startled.

It was a man she didn't recognize with chubby cheeks and lots of stubble. "Wait."

He started to unbutton his shirt, sliding it off, leaving him in a white undershirt. "You shouldn't go alone."

Still in shock, she couldn't speak. He was cute, a little older than her. And now he was climbing over the railing.

She shuffled to make more room on the ledge.

He cleared his throat nervously and stepped back, his hands fisted tightly on the railing. "Well...this looks a lot higher than it did on the other side of the railing." She could hear the slightest Southern twang in his voice.

"Actually, I wasn't going to jump," she explained without really knowing why, "then I thought about my life, and the failure encompassing it."

He eyed the water apprehensively, "Dangerous thing to do on a bridge."

"I suppose." She was much more relaxed than he was.

He shifted the weight between his feet, "So is this a romantic thing like _Romeo and Juliet_, or like _Titanic_... which I guess is another romantic thing, so..."

"It's not romantic. I'm married." She touched the very much existant ring on her finger. "And if it was _Titanic_, this would be the part where you convince me to live."

"I'm not much with persuasion," He paused, "But you do have the lovely red hair, like what's-her-name." He let his fingers leave the railing to catch her fiery strands in the wind. They weaved through his fingers with ease.

She visibly shrunk, not used to strangers touching her like that. She wished he would stop, but she didn't want to seem unfriendly. Her head tilted a bit, and the red slipped away from his fingers. "No offense, but you don't have the boyishly good looks of Leo DiCaprio." He seemed to take it hard, and she immediately recovered, "Not that you aren't attractive. Actually, I thought you were very cute when you first climbed over, just in a manly way."

He liked that remark much better, and smirked, "Are you usually this honest?" She could see sweat beading on his hairline and temples.

She knew she should give him relief, let him know that he didn't have to jump off a bridge, but she only knew what was best for her. And that was to stay on the ledge a little longer. "Only with guys who offer to die with me," she replied.

"I see," he was still waiting for the cue to jump.

"You still die," she informed him.

He couldn't remove his eyes from the dark water, much as she could a few minutes ago. "What?"

"Leo, from _Titanic_, he still dies, even though he saves Rose." She turned her body so she was facing him, and held on to the railing with only one hand. It was weird, how confident she felt with him.

"I know." He didn't move for a while, and then his gaze traveled along the water, up the ledge, and over her body to meet her eyes. "I- um- I'm actually going to die."

"We all die," she said, even though she knew there was something more.

"I'm going to die in two weeks," he said, bluntly, "You have years."

She couldn't stop herself from saying it, "Seriously?"

"Yeah," he laughed sadly.

She expected him to avoid eye contact, but he looked straight at her. "Get off of this ledge!" She began to hit him lightly with her palms, not enough to knock him over, but enough to make him move. She wasn't about to let him waste away his last few days with thoughts of suicide.

He couldn't have hopped more quickly over the railing. He offered her his hand, and it took her a little longer to climb over. When she was safely on the ground, she brushed off the pants she was wearing. She made a conscious decision to start over. "Hi, I'm Addison."

He looked at her, a bit confused, and then smiled. "I'm Denny. Denny Duquette."

* * *

Derek shivered in his jacket and rang Meredith's doorbell. He knew she would be pleasantly surprised to see him. He knew she didn't have a very good day. Or a happy life, at that, which was partially his fault. He still felt guilty about the day that Meredith met Addison.

He had every intention of honoring his commitment to Addison, but it would be lying to say he was anything less than ecstatic about spending Christmas with Meredith. She needed him, andfor a moment, he could pretend they were the family they should have been.

He felt bad about leaving Addison, but knowing she was with Callie made him feel less guilty. She'd probably have more fun anyway, without him sulking around the trailer.

Meredith was taking a extraordinarily long time answering the door. He heard laughing and talking inside. He rang again. The doorbell wasn't making any noise so he knocked.

It took only a few minutes before Izzie opened the door, and all he could see was blonde and red for a moment.

At first, he seemed shocked to see him, but then she grinned widely. "Meredith!" She sang out, teasingly.

Derek smiled. He loved being greeted so enthusiatically. Addison always seemed scared of him, but he supposed that was his own fault.

Meredith came to the door, eggnog in hand. "Oh. Hi!" Her reaction was almost identical to Izzie's, but it pleased him twice as much.

"Come in." All three couldn't shake the silly expressions off their faces.

Izzie shut the door behind him, and Meredith took his coat, running her long fingers over his shoulders.

No one said anything for a while as Meredith watched him, and Izzie watched Meredith. He peered around the apartment. It was the same as before, sans a few unpacked boxes.

Izzie made a move to walk into the kitchen. "Do you want anything to drink, Dr. Shepherd?"

He almost made a noise of annoyance. He had repeatedly asked her to call him Derek because he didn't want Meredith to think he was superior in any way. He reminded Izzie, _again_, "It's Derek." He pointed to Meredith's drink, "I'll have what she's having."

Izzie backed away, the gaiety of romance still prominent on her face. "Okay!"

Derek wondered if she always spoke in a singsong voice at home, or if she did it just when he was there. Because that could get irritating.

At last, he was alone with Meredith. He should have been overjoyed, but there was an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach. He wasn't nauseous, just cold. Probably nerves or overexcitement. Meredith made him nervous sometimes.

Or it was disbelief that he was actually here, spending Christmas with his favorite person. Whatever the feeling was, he was sure it would be gone soon. It would have to be. He wouldn't have his Christmas ruined by a little anxiety.

For now, he was stuck in an unbearable silence with Meredith. She was stuck in some sort of dreamlike trance. He had that effect on her most of the time, hence the nickname. It was sweet that she couldn't stop smiling, but he expected to be invited in and all.

After a while, she shook her head and it seemed that she had come back to the present. "Um. Do you want something?"

It was time for him to earn his reputation as McDreamy. He touched her shoulder and softened his smile, "I wanted to spend Christmas with you."

She blushed, as if no one had ever treated her this kindly. Sadly, this was probably true, but that's what he liked about her. Every little romantic gesture made her world.

Her smile slowly faded, "Where's your wife?"

He didn't want to talk about Addison. "She said it was okay," he reassured her, for good measure, "I told her...how important this was. She understood." He this as quietly as possible, in his tender voice, meant for sweet-nothings and bedtime stories.

Meredith was not stupid, and she kept staring at him, suspiciously. He wished she wouldn't worry about these things. They could move on, if she would just put a pin in the fact that he was married. She lead him into the hallway, and stopped before they reached the kitchen. "Addison- she could have come."

He grabbed her hand only for a moment. "I wanted it to be just us and your roomates- your family." That way, if things got carried away, he could blame it on the liquor, and the holiday season. And he would never have to explain to Addison.

Reading his mind, she took her hand away, still angry that he expected her to be a mistress.

He understood that she had morals. He was just asking her to sweep a few things under the rug. Hell, his wife was willing to overlook Meredith. Where was the problem? He laughed, trying to make her relax about certain things. "She had plans! She knows what's going on and she told me to come!" His voice deepened to an angry pitch. "Can we stop talking about it now?"

Her eyes changed, and she gave him a warm smile. She rubbed his arm. "Okay. Come on in."

The house appeared very festive, with all the red and green decorations, and even a tree, every ornament perfectly in place. There was quite a gathering in the living room, much more than he had expected. He saw that Izzie had set his drink on the table next to the empty love seat, which he assumed was for him and Meredith. Izzie joined Alex, and a bitter Cristina on the couch. Derek was thankful to see that Burke was also there, sitting in a lounge chair. Although the two of them dueled at work, he was relieved to know he wouldn't be the oldest doctor there. George was in the chair opposite Preston Burke, as to be expected.

But what confused Derek was who was sitting in front of him. It was...

Callie?

* * *

_Hi, Addison. It's Derek...I only have a few minutes, but you said you were going out with Callie. And Callie's here... she was wondering where you were. I told her you'd probably went to Bailey's house to see the baby. If you want to spend Christmas with us, Meredith said you were welcome to come here...So, just give me a call back when you get this. Bye._

* * *

Denny had put his shirt back on without buttoning it so it hung open. They walked the circular path of the park, taking in the nature and people of Seattle.

She didn't know him at all, but there was something that made her trust him. She believed that he wasn't lying when he said he was a dying man. He wasn't trying to get into her pants. Then again, she was almost tired of not trusting. Doubting and worrying over every little thing Derek did was exhausting. She couldn't keep track of his secret little meetings with Meredith anymore.

She was not completely illogical though. Even though running around with a guy she barely knew seemed like a bad deciscion, Addison had it justified in her mind. This very day, she was starting to be optimistic and she pledged to believe the best in everyone, starting with Denny. He had given her no reason not to trust him. And after all, he had volunteered to not let her die alone.

She refused to acknowledge that her optimism was an excuse for her irrational behavior. She denied that she was just that desperate and lonely.

He was nice to her. Whenever they would pass other people (who were more often than not a little creepy), he would slip his arm around her waist. She wasn't sure if this was out of protection, or fear of isolation, but she enjoyed it. Derek would never do that for her, and Denny willingly warmed her body as the evening air blew colder.

They made small talk, despite their unusual introduction. She wanted to skip the formalities; the doctor in her curious about his illness. It was an awful, awkward question, but he was going to die. It didn't matter how she behaved, as long as she did it honestly. Finally, after about twenty minutes since the incident on the bridge, she found the courage to ask him, "Do you have cancer?"

He looked up at her, startled, "Uhm. Oh. No," he mumbled. She stopped at a bench and he stayed with her. Scratching his head, he explained, "It's a heart condition."

"I'm a doctor," she informed him. As if she could really help.

A corner of his mouth raised in a half-smile. "You a heart doctor?"

"No." It was weird that such a morbid conversation could be somewhat cheerful. "I'm a baby doctor."

"That's saintly."

She laughed, "I am the furthest person away from saintly that you can imagine."

"Really?" He acted surprised, "You save the lives of babies, and now you make me feel more alive than I have in months. That's more than saintly. That's- a healing touch. Angel-like."

She pretended to be considering the idea, and then all of a sudden disappointed. "You know what? I think I've broken a few two many of the ten commandments to be considered angel-like." She shrugged.

"Everybody makes mistakes." He seemed to be speaking from past experiences. She should know to trust the perspective of a dying man.

She went ahead and admitted it, "I made a big mistake. Unforgivable." She paused, "I cheated on my husband. He walked in on me and his best friend." Commandment number seven: it would ruin her forever. She sat down on the bench, and focused on a wilting tree, in order to avoid his judgemental focus.

He sat down next to her, and she turned her head slowly. He was very close, enough to feel his body warmth. His expression wasn't judgemental or pitying. "That's-" his face appeared pained, as if he was putting himself in Derek's place, "-that's not good."

"I know." She choked up again. "He was so shocked. I'm not the kind of person who would do that." She stopped to catch her breath and think a bit. "He didn't love me, though," she stated, sure of herself.

He stretched out on the bench and slouched away from her. "What- uh- happened after? I mean, obviously, you guys are still married." He frowned bitterly.

She stuck her fingers in her hair, and tucked a few strands behind her ear. "He left me, and came to Seattle. I stayed with Mark- his best friend. Then, karma kicked in, and I followed him here." And she'd been miserable ever since. Was that the point of all of this? That it wouldn't get better? Or maybe Denny was her hope.

He sighed loudly, "I guess that sucks."

He was right, and coming from a man on his death bed, that made her situation extremely lamentable. "I don't know what to do," she slumped forward, covering her face. Maybe a little bit of pity would be nice after all. She hated herself for thinking that.

He put a hand on her shoulder, "It's all right. I like ya anyway."

She smiled. That was better than pity. "Thanks." She sat up and their eyes finally met. She reached for the hand on her shoulder, and brought it down, tracing the hairs on his knuckles.

She knew she couldn't cheat on Derek ever again. It was impossible, though, not to want to be near Denny. He appreciated her.

That was a terrible excuse.

He brought the back of her hand up to his mouth, and dragged her soft skin against his lips. His dark stubble tickled the backs of her fingers. She shivered, and tugged her hand away. He waited a moment. Soon, she felt his arm around her shoulder, but she could tell he was trying to give her a little space. It was like she was dating again. Men were so touchy-feely, even on the first date. She was a take-it-slow kind of girl, which only made her further appreciate Derek. He had waited months for her, and she still loved him for it.

But Denny didn't have months.

He made a sound from the back of her throat to get her attention, and smiled at her, like he was glad she was alive and with him. He spoke confidently, "Addison, I'd like to fall in love before I die."

It was such a simple statement, but it caused her so much turmoil. She glanced up at him. She knew what he meant: he wanted to fall in love with her. She couldn't fall in love with him, but she didn't want to cause him any pain. She shifted a little in her seat, and laughed, "Met anyone yet?"

"You know what I was thinking." The pitch of his voice raised in suspicion, "I'm not going to meet anyone else. It's all you."

Her head became a little fuzzy at his words. She'd never had such complicated feelings, and she wanted to cry out and be free from it all. She remembered that she was married. She had to keep repeating it to herself, as it seemed like that's what characters in movies did when they were tempted. It wasn't helping, and then his arm tightened further around her.

She would have worried about being seen, but she knew her colleagues at the hospital rarely had time to go anywhere besides work and home. Added to the fact that it was Christmas, it was almost guarenteed that everyone would be with their families.

She dreamed about what the next few weeks could be like, if she agreed to be with Denny. She would take a few weeks off of work. No one would notice. They could go away to a different city, and spend their time exploring and loving each other. It made her heart ache to even think about love. It seemed like something of the past, something every one else had except for her. It would be wonderful to experience that again.

Only with Derek. He kept flashing through her mind, and she couldn't seem to forget him. Denny wasn't Derek. That was stating the obvious, she supposed. She was using Denny, and that wasn't fair. But it wasn't fair to hurt him either.

She needed Derek. Maybe life was a series of these impossible situations, designed to keep her miserable until death. She'd never been more pessimistic in her life. A million thoughts were running through her head, yet she had no idea what to say. She began with his name, "Denny..."

"Don't say it like that." His eyes swam with desperation. "That sounds bad. Say my name happily."

She grabbed his other hand and led it to her knee. He breathed heavily into the side of her face, warming her cheek.

"I'm sorry." She shook her head, embarrassed and confused. He hair fell down into her face.

All of a sudden his hands cupped her cheeks. He was very cold. She took a large gasp of fear and squeezed her eyes shut. He was going to kiss her. She waited for it, and her stomach sunk, knowing that her marriage would be officially over the moment his lips touched hers.

The moment passed, and she peeked a little at him. His face was near hers, ready to kiss her, but instead he spoke, "First, I'd like to make clear that I am not the kind of guy who asks to be kissed. I am the kind of guy who can feel the perfect time, and make the move. But I didn't feel it. So I'm asking you to kiss me."

She wouldn't kiss him. How horrible, to deny one of his last requests. She supposed she couldn't sink any lower.

Luckily, before she could reject him (again), her cell phone rang out. She leapt up, her shaking hands making her fumble the phone out of her pocket. She grabbed it, checking the caller ID, and clutching it for a few seconds. Then, she hurled it to the pavement. The phone split into two. She groaned, and drove her foot into it, ensuing brokeness.

* * *

A/N: Okay, so I have most of the next part done, but I can't seem to finish it. I'm hoping a few reviews will break my writer's block. :)

Thanks for reading it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**

**Quickly Moving**

Derek stood in Meredith's kitchen, listening to the dial tone of his cell phone. He couldn't believe Addison wasn't picking up her phone. She always picked up her phone. She was probably mad about him leaving her, and his previous message. He grunted at the thought of apologizing, and redialed.

"It's me, again."

He tried to sound angry, so she wouldn't think he actually cared, "I'm sorry about leaving you. You know all you have to do is say something, and I'll be there. Wherever you are." Not that he wanted her to say something. He knew if she was terribley upset, she would have told him. Still, he wasn't sure. He didn't think she would have lied to him about Callie either. He softened his tone. "It would be nice if you called," Or actually picked up her damn phone. "Even if you don't need me, so I would what you are doing. _I_ would like to know, not Callie," he stressed, "So hopefully I'll be able to talk to you before twelve o'clock, when it is actually Christmas." He thought for a moment, and repeated in a whisper, "Christmas." Suddenly, he felt sad and a sudden urge to cry hit him hard. He blinked and it was gone. "Bye."

He hung up, and a different thought came to him. He wondered if she was still and Joe's, and couldn't hear her phone. That was a decent, optimistic explanation. He didn't want to think that she wasn't answering her phone because she was pissed at him. That would not be fun to go home to.

Callie walked into the kitchen, dragging her feet. She asked in an impatient tone, "Have you gotten a hold of her yet?"

He shook his head. If he could just make sure she wasn't lying in a ditch somewhere, he could be in the living room, laughing with the rest of the party. "Can you see if anyone has Joe's number?" He didn't want to ask himself.

Callie understood, but she wasn't happy about doing Derek any favors. "I'll go ask."

He had told Meredith he was "getting more eggnog". He hoped she wouldn't come into the kitchen to check on him.

It only took Callie a few minutes to get the phone number. She showed him the cell phone in her hand, "Alex has it."

He started punching the number into his phone. He tried to sound casual, "Will you tell Meredith that Richard called? And I'll be back in soon."

Callie didn't fall for it. She stared at him, and the dim light overhead cast a shadow on her face, making her eyeliner seem thicker. "Are you serious? You want me to lie for you?"

He knew Callie was not fond of him, but he really didn't want Meredith waltzing into the kitchen to find him talking to his wife. "Will you please?" He gestured towards the living room. "It's the only way I can call Addison without being a rude guest."

She snorted, "Yeah, okay." She thought for a moment. "Why don't I tell them you're in the bathroom? That way, they won't all come in to hear what Richard said."

"Okay." He didn't care what the excuse was. He just wanted to get this over with. He stood there waiting for her to leave.

She pointed down the hall. "It would help if you acutally went into the bathroom."

"Right." He knew where the bathroom was already. He shut the door behind him, and dialed the number.

Joe picked up on the first ring. "Emerald City Bar. This is Joe."

"Hey Joe. It's Derek. Derek Shepherd." He figured Joe would recognize him by his first and last name.

"Oh, hi. Do you need something?"

Derek heard a clinking of glass in the background. He closed the toilet seat and sat down. "I...was wondering if Addison was still there, at the bar. I need to talk to her about something and she's not picking up her cell phone."

Joe's voice was scratchy. "Sorry. She left right after you did."

"Oh." This wasn't his lucky day. "Do you know where she went?"

"Uh..." Joe sounded nervous and uncertain. "I think she went west on 71st street." He paused. "It's probably none of my business, but she was really upset when she left. I asked her if she wanted me to call you, but she said she didn't want to bother you."

Derek folded over on the seat and rubbed his temples. The guilt dropped from his throat and filled his chest. He should have expected something like this to happen. "Shit." It was his fault if she ended up lost or drunk...or dead. He almost threw up at the thought. "She told me she was spending Christmas with Callie. She told me to go to Meredith's!" He shouldn't feel guilty. She lied to him in the first place.

"Did you guys get into a fight?"

"Not really," he replied. He had just told her he was in love with another woman. It probably hadn't been the best idea, but he wanted to tell her the truth.

"Well, I've got to go, Derek. I'll ask around, maybe someone has seen her."

"Thanks, Joe." Derek stood up and paced the bathroom. "I'll talk you to later."

They said their goodbyes, and Derek leaned against the door. He didn't know what to do. Should he go look for her? But that would defeat the whole purpose of spending Christmas with Meredith. Still, it was more than likely that Addison was lost.

He was probably blowing this way out of proportion. Addison was fine. Even if she was lost, she was smart. She could find her way home.

It was late, and he knew it would definitely be dark out.

No, he just had to convince himself that Addison was home, at the trailer, asleep. That's why she couldn't hear her phone. He dialed her number again, just in case. It worried him that it went straight to voicemail, instead of ringing once or twice. He left a message anyway. "Okay, Adds, I'm sorry. Just call me back, and we'll talk about it. Wherever you are. I'll come and get you." He stopped for a minute, letting his free hand trace along the impressions of the wooden door. "You got me." He laughed a little. "I'm officially worried, so just call back, or pick up your phone." The more he thought about it, the angrier he became. "I care that I don't know where you are. Is that what you wanted me to say?" Sometimes, he felt like she was just playing with him. She was just doing this to make his life miserable. "I don't know why you're mad at him. I just told you how I felt, honestly. It's not my fault." He couldn't help who he loved. "So it would be great if you could stop being a child, and actually talk to me, let me know. I'll be here, at Meredith's, whenever you decide to grow up." He pushed down on the "End" button as hard as he could.

Saying all of that, it didn't make him feel better. He actually felt sick again. He wanted to hit something or cry, but he couldn't. He opened the door, hoping to escape from this.

Meredith was waiting for him.

Of course. She crossed her arms, and he knew he was in trouble. God, he couldn't take much more of this.

Her voice was sharp, and quick. "What were you doing in there?" Her eyes narrowed at him.

"Going to the bathroom." What else?

"I didn't hear the toilet flush."

Oh, now, she was playing dectective. What was with surgeons and their obsessive need to _know_ everything? "I felt sick, and needed to cool down." That part wasn't a lie, but he hadn't time to cool down.

"Who were you talking to?" Her lips stretched across her teeth in a harsh accusation. She backed away from him.

"I called Joe." He answered as calmly as possible. "I left my pager there tonight."

"Are you sure it wasn't your wife?" He wasn't sure why she was so angry, but she made her disgust clear as she spat out her words.

He clenched every muscle in his body, as not to explode at the thought of Addison. He smiled, and he didn't know if it came off as kind or creepy. "You know I would never call Addison when I was with you. I wouldn't want you to feel like..."

"A whore?" She pushed him gently back into the secluded dining room, which, truthfully, he found kind of hot. Her disposition changed, all of a sudden, and her eyes softened to the pretty shade of purple that he found so endearing. It frightened him a little, but then she leaned into him and rested her head on his shoulder.

He heard her sigh, and he knew that only he could calm her flaming passions down. He rested a hand on her back, touching the very tip of her hair. "She's the mistress. She's the whore. Not you." The anger rose up in him again, and he fisted her sweater when he made the realization, "She's off somewhere, screwing God-knows-who. She won't call me back." And he knew she was cheating on him again. He spun Meredith around, and pinned her to the wall.

She seemed a bit shocked, but he knew she loved it when he kissed her, open-mouthed with a dozen people in the next room. It wasn't revenge. It was reconcilliation for this awful fate he had been doomed to.

Meredith didn't love him. She didn't even know him. Their relationship was about her. He stepped back, and she looked at him with adoration. They walked back in together, way too close to be considered "just friends". She couldn't speak for several minutes, but he had that effect on most women, especially Meredith. He talked for her, as she combed through her hair, and tried to reduce the color in her cheeks. It offered a small, superficial distraction for a few minutes.

But Addison was in the back of his mind. And Callie's denunciatory stares certainly weren't helping him to forget. He kept picturing Addison cold, and shivering and hurt. Or scared and lost. Or horribly drunk and being taken advantage of. That was the worst one, and the sheer reality of the daydream caused him to gasp, and stand up in front of the party.

* * *

Addison and Denny made their way back towards Seattle Grace. They were walking out of the park, back into the busy part of the city. After the incident with Addison's phone, she found herself gravitating back home. Denny had thrown the phone away, when she had been too embarassed to even look at it, and chased after her. They were silent for a few minutes before he spoke, "Did you know that one of the Ten Commandments is 'Thou shall commit adultury'?"

She laughed bitterly. "What Bible are you reading?"

"The King Charles Bible, of course." He replied simply, teasing her.

"What are you talking about?" Everything he said was such a surprise, and he was so interesting. He made her feel interesting too.

He put his hand on her shoulder as he explained, "It was a misprint. But it does say 'Thou shall commit adultury."

"Wow." She smiled. "I've never seen this Bible." She suspected that he was making it all up so she would feel better. But she didn't care.

He whispered, "Well, there are only eleven left."

Her eyes widened. "Do you have one?"

His face narrowed in serious, and he moved very close to her. "No." He laughed. "I just thought you'd want to know. Because technically, you didn't sin. You followed a commandment in a Bible. Now, the call it the Wicked Bible, but still..."

"Thanks," she said. "I really appreciate that you're trying to cheer me up." She felt better, but she kept picturing Derek at Meredith's house, being her family. She was stuck with a stranger, who was wonderful but what she wanted. She wanted to go home.

She watched him cover his ears as an ambulance passed by. The sound was familiar to her, and it didn't bother her nearly as much as it used to. "It's not that loud," she laughed.

He shrugged. "Usually, the only time I hear an ambulance is when it is coming to get me."

"Sorry," she felt guilty about making fun of him, but the look in his eyes told her he would forgive her.

"At least I didn't smash my phone in a fit of anger," he boasted. "I mean, that just sounds like a scorned teenage girl."

"Hey," she defended, "A teenager would never destroy her phone. It's a lifeline." Sometimes, she felt like she was in high school again, when Derek ignored her. All of a sudden, she had to read his mixed signals, and decipher whether he "liked" her that day or not.

"So you're worse?" He asked.

"I suppose..." She brought her hands up to her mouth, and blew warm air into them. It helped for only a second.

Denny grabbed her hand, and wrapped his fingers around hers. His gloved hands were comforting and relieved her from the cold, but she had to pull away. "Sorry," she said, "I keep thinking that he's going to find me. He would be mad."

"Would he?" He tilted his had and pursed his lips together.

She looked away, and didn't allow him to grab her hand again. He shouldn't make her come to terms with her marriage. He was supposed to comfort her, and make her feel better, like he'd been doing.

"You're freezing." She doesn't fight his arm wrapping around her shoulder. She really couldn't do anything about that.

"I hope he would be mad," she said, her voice tense with bitterness. It was really screwed up to want something like that. "I guess he was mad before, but he wasn't mad for the right reasons." He had been more upset with the idea of not being a perfect couple anymore than the actual act of adultury. It wouldn't have mattered it was adultury or if she had just disrespected him, he would have left anyway. "I suspect he just needed a way out."

He breathed heavily and leaned against her, "No one should have to live like that."

"We were perfect." She drifted out of focus again, and led him lead her on the path as she remembered. No fighting, happiness, for so long. Of course, there was bickering, but it always ended well. She didn't like arguing with Derek, so she pretended. She pressed into Denny. "Oh, I hope he doesn't leave me." Even though Derek said he didn't want to leave her, she had some doubts. It was an awful thought. She didn't know what it would be like not to be married to Derek. He was always there, always a part of her.

"He probably won't leave you," Denny's voice lowered sadly, "He seems like the kind of guy who doesn't have enough balls to leave his wife."

Addison was in no mood to defend Derek. "Yeah, I guess." But she didn't want him to stay with her because he was too scared to leave her. "I don't know why he wouldn't though. I'm an adultress bitch who can't keep his attention for more than five minutes." She thought of their encounter in the morning.

"Have you tried taking your clothes off?" He smiled.

She laughed, "Yes, unfortunately." God, how degrading and awful that was. If only her younger self could see her, trying to make Derek like her through sexual appeal. There was no doubt she would kick her own ass.

He hugged her closer. "I wouldn't be able to think if you undressed in front of me." He turned his head and his gaze traveled from her temple down her neck.

"Stop it," she blushed. At least she knew she wasn't ugly. It was Derek's fault if he didn't find her attractive. But maybe it was more disappointing that she couldn't do anything about it. She was not about to stoop so low as to starving herself so she could be pencil thin like Meredith.

He continued, "I doubt I'd let you leave the bedroom."

His passionate sentiments warmed her cheeks. "Thanks." She didn't want to say anything to encourage him. She couldn't help but imagine what he'd be like in bed.

His breath came faster, and she could feel his chest heaving against her shoulder.

She stopped, "Are you okay?" She watched him, worried.

"Yeah," they paused for a few seconds so he could catch his breath. "Walking and cold air can't be good for my heart."

She let him put his weight on her for a while, and then they began to walk again.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

She pointed to the hospital a few blocks down. "Seattle Grace."

"No." He stopped suddenly, causing a few people to glare at them as they walked around.

She pushed him to the side of the walkway, out of the way. "You're not going to die. I'll get you help- Dr. Burke-"

"I know about Preston Burke." He pursed his lips and smiled. "It's my choice."

She didn't understand him at first, and then she realized he actually wanted to die. He thought there was nothing to live for. With conviction, she grabbed him by the arm, and pulled him down the sidewalk. "You are going to Seattle Grace and you are going to get better. You are one of the kindest people in the world, and I am not about to let you die without fighting." He hadn't let her die, and it was only polite to return the favor. It was unlike her to be this candid and passionate to someone she didn't know very well, but he didn't have time for her to obey normal social conduct.

He resisted her weakly. "Can you love me?"

"Not right now." She loved someone else, and she knew it was going to take time to get over Derek. Still, it wasn't Denny's fault and he shouldn't feel undesirable because her heart was too subborn. "But there's someone out there that could. There's someone who will be saying in a few years, 'My life would be so much worse without Denny Duquette.' You just have to find her."

He gave in, and let himself be pulled along the route to the hospital. The next few minutes passed very quickly and soon she was sitting him down in a wheel chair at Seattle Grace. She told him, "Dr. Burke will be in tommorrrow-" she checked her watch, "-well, later today, and he will see you. You will get better."

Denny smiled hopefully. "When will I see you?"

She shook her head, "Probably never again."

They looked at each other and understood. Their meeting could never be spoken or, and rarely thought of. He needed someone else, and she was stuck in a never changing, never breaking circle of nature and habit with her miserable husband.

She kissed him on the head, and turned on her heel, never looking back.

* * *

Addison left the hospital and walked across the street to Joe's. She looked in through the window. It seemed that people were clearing out, as it was about a half hour until closing time. She wouldn't have anywhere else to go.

She could go back to the hospital, but Denny was there. She didn't need that.

The trailer wasn't an option she was willing to consider. There was too much Derek in it.

She sat down on the bench outside of Joe's, having no idea what to do for the first time in her life. People passed her, and she earned a few creepy stares from men coming out of the bar.

Then she saw him.

At first, she thought she was dreaming. She thought he was a vision that her mind had conjured up to make herself feel better.

But he was angry.

Derek stormed toward her, crossing the street. "What the hell are you doing?!" he roared.

She blinked in a daze. She couldn't believe he was here, and so mad at her. She stood up, and touched his cheek, to make sure he was real. She could feel the faintest prickle of hair and the movement of his breath. He was cold, but a lot warmer than her.

"You're freezing." He pushed her into Joe's.

There was a guy sitting at the bar, but otherwise the place was empty. Joe spotted them. "Hey! You found each other!" He waved.

They waved back. Addison glanced up at Derek. "You were looking for me?"

He didn't say anything, simply leading her towards a booth. It was circular, and she scooted towards the middle. He sat next to her. "Why didn't you pick up your phone?! I called you four times!"

She looked down at the table. "I didn't want to bother you." She picked at hangnail, and asked casually, "Did you go to Meredith's?"

"Yeah." He folded his hands on the table. "Callie was there."

"Oh." She looked up abruptly. So he knew that she lied. But he didn't seem to care. "Sorry. I didn't want you to feel like you had to stay here, and Callie and I had actually talked about it earlier..."

"What did you do?" He rubbed his eyes.

"Excuse me?"

"Did you cheat?" He scowled at her, like he already knew the answer.

Her hands clenched at her sides. He should know that she wouldn't ever cheat again. They'd worked so hard to get this far, and he didn't even trust her. "No! Of course not. I just walked around Seattle..."

"This whole time, Addison? It's been five hours." He glared at her accusingly. "Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying!" She shrieked, causing the few people in the room to look at her. She lowered her voice. "I didn't cheat. I promise. I love you so much." It scared her that he didn't believe her. She hoped he wouldn't leave her over something that he couldn't prove. "Please? I didn't do anything. Okay?"

He moved his hand over his face and sighed. Obviously, he was deep in thought. She waited patiently for his response.

"You love me very much," he realized.

"Yes." If only he knew how much.

"Always." He placed his hand on the back of her neck, and let his fingers lights dance over her skin. She closed her eyes. It felt amazing.

"Always," she confirmed. He would never love her like that. She grabbed his hand and brought it back to her lap so she could concentrate better. "I am such an idiot. I stood on the edge of a bridge, and I wanted to jump. I wanted to be swallowed up so you could be happy."

"Stop trying to be a saint."

He was never afraid to call her out on her righteousness, and she hated it. "Fine, but that's the truth." She leaned back, and stared at him.

He slid over on the booth, bumping their hips together. "Really?"

"Yeah." She rested her head on his shoulder, and laced their fingers together. She was glad that he chose to be with her, even for just tonight.

He sighed. "I'm sorry." He rubbed his thumb against the back of her hand. "I suppose I haven't been the best husband." She whimpered, but he continued. "Promise me you'd never jump off a bridge."

She answered immediately, "I promise." She intended to keep it, but experience had shown that they weren't very good at honoring vows.

"You don't-" He struggled, "-you just don't know the sadness I would feel if you were gone."

She often wondered about that herself. She bet that it would be a matter of days before he went back to Meredith. She hoped he would at least be a little sad.

Joe appeared from out of nowhere. "I hate to be an annoyance, when it seems like you two are having a moment. Surprisingly," he added. "But the bar is officially closed and I'm locking up, so..."

He was asking them to leave. Addison wasn't ready to go anywhere yet. She didn't even know where they would go, or if they would go together. Derek answered for them both, "Can we have a few more mintues? I know it's late, but we need a little more time. Please?" That was the most polite way he could ask without oversharing personal information.

Joe seemed annoyed, but said, "I supposed I could clean up for a few more minutes. Don't take too long. I've gotta get home."

They nodded, and Joe disappeared again into the back rooms.

As if Joe had given her a glimpse of reality, Addison pushed Derek away. "You're in love with another woman," she realized, "You hurt me delibrately. And now you're lying and pretending again."

He scratched his head, "Yeah. But you're the one who-"

"You never listen to me. And you spend all your time with Meredith."

"You told me I could! It didn't mean anything-" He was back to defending himself again. "What's the point of this? To name all of my shortcomings? Because I could start your list too."

"I'll start it for you. Slept with your best friend. What else, Derek?" She challenged him. There was nothing of which he could fairly accuse her.

He stopped to think for a moment. Then, his face hardened. "Failing to satisfy me," he spat.

She stood up and waited. She pressed her hand against her head in an attempt to stop the throbbing headache that pounded against her head as she thought about what he just said. "That is what scares me the most." She stumbled over to the bar, leaning over the counter. Tears blurred her vision, and she desperately tried to force them back into her eyes.

"Okay, Addie." He followed her, and stepped behind her. "I stepped over the line. I'm sorry."

"No, you're not." She wanted a drink, but there were so many bottles, she couldn't see which was which. "You shouldn't feel sorry because I can't satisfy you." She whipped around, her hair smacking him in the face. "What can I do to be more like Meredith Grey? There must be something that I'm missing."

"You're fine. I didn't mean to say that. Will you let me take it back? I was just ang-"

"You meant it. There must be something I can do." She held up her finger like she had an idea, as a tear rolled down her face tragically. "More tequila?"

"No-" But she was already leaning over the counter again.

She found the tequila bottle and snatched it, her passion overriding her respect for other people's property. "You're paying for this, by the way." She took a long swig straight out of the bottle. Personally, she found it disgusting, but she wanted to make a point. "Nope, you still don't look satisfied." She started to strut towards the door. "Maybe I should sleep with creepy men who are way too old for me? Do you think I'd find any fifty-year-old's who'd want to do me at this hour?"

"Stop it Addison. You're being ridiculous. Sit down," he ordered harshly.

Her hand found the door handle, and she opened it, letting a cold wind blow into the bar. "That's not going to work this time. I'm horny and emotional and God knows you're not going to screw me."

"Wanna bet?" He smirked mischeiviously. It took him only a few steps to cross the floor, and pull the door shut. He spun her around, much like he'd done to Meredith an hour early. He took the bottle away from her and put it on a nearby shelf.

"Let go of me," she pouted.

"You're horny, you love me, and you want me. That's enough." He pushed her up into his arms, making it very difficult for her to move.

"Enough for what?" She was almost afraid to ask.

"To do this." He grabbed the fabric of her skirt with two hands, and ripped a long slit in it so he could properly undress her.

She stared down at her clothing in shock. This was crazy. He was crazy. They weren't about to have sex in a dirty bar with the gay owner in the next room. "What are you doing?! You ruined it!" She scrambled out of his arms, yanking her skirt down. She observed her reflection in the window. The skirt covered her underwear, but she still looked awfully slutty. Definitely not appropriate for a grown, professional woman.

Derek laughed, finding her embarrasment amusing. He tried to help by pulling the material back together to cover more of her legs.

His fingers tickled the inside of her thigh, and she jumped away. She would not get aroused and lose control. He did not deserve to have that kind of power over her. "I'm sorry." She attempted to clean herself up by wiping under her eyes. "I don't think I can be Meredith Grey."

Derek looked down at the floor, shuffling his feet. "I didn't mean to ask you- to imply..." He paused and his gaze traveled up her body to meet her eyes. "Addie, I have to tell you something."

She tried not to look so disappointed in his tone. "What?"

He walked over to her and placed his hands on her shoulders. She felt a bit of pressure, and he said, "Sit down."

She obliged, frightened, and watched him carefully.

He groaned from the back of his throat and put his hand over his eyes. "I cheated."

"What?" She was sure she couldn't hear him properly.

He took his hand away from his face and looked her in the eye. "I cheated on you."

Tears sprang back into her eyes immediately. After everything that had just happened, it was too much. She remained silent for a few minutes, imbibing the news. She knew he had cheated before, but this was different. It could have been a few hours, or even several minutes ago, that he fucked Meredith. Or maybe they 'made love'. Oh, that was a horrible thought. "How could you do that?" She whispered, "And why would you tell me?"

"I thought we were being honest," he defended. He waved his hand in a gesture towards her. "You told me to go to Meredith's."

It was her fault. She started to scoot out of the booth. She was going to throw up or die or something. She needed to find the privacy of a bathroom to cry into her hands. "I didn't want you to cheat on me, and I certainly didn't want you to tell me if you did."

He stopped her from moving by grabbing her forearms. "Don't leave. When you cheated, you didn't want me to leave." He pushed her back down on the booth, and sat down, almost on top of her. "I'm asking the same of you. It's difficult to be with someone who has hurt you."

He was trying to give her a taste of her own medicine? What a stupid reason to cause her this much pain. She couldn't even look at him, but she stayed, to show her commitment.

He saw her avoid his gaze. "You have to look at me," he demanded. "You made me look at you."

That wasn't true. She never asked him to do that. He still had a tight grasp on her arms, and she slowly looked up, her eyes reddened. When their eyes met, the color disappeared from her face. It was so much worse to look at him. When she saw his face, she remembered everything that they'd been through. All the happy and sad times. Most of all, it reminded her of her wedding day, when she'd been so sure of their love. Back then, it would have been unimaginable that they'd ever belong to anyone but each other. Now, it was something that she had to accept.

"Please?" she asked him, shaking. "It hurts."

He loosened his grip. "Oh. Sorry."

"No," she shook her head. "It hurts to look at you." She sniffled.

He smiled at her. "I know. You'll be fine though."

She shivered. He didn't understand. For her, this was a devastating end to their relationship. "I won't. I think I'm going to be sick."

"Take deep breaths." His hands slid from holding her arms to circling her wrists. "Do you want something to drink?"

"No!" Everything wasn't fine, and he shouldn't pretend that it was. "I love you. I still love you and it feels like I'm breaking in two."

"Addie, you're just going to have to feel like that." His voice deepened, "You see how I felt? It's very hard to forgive someone when you feel like that. If you love me enough, you can do it."

Several tears finally fell, and it helped that she couldn't see him as well. "I do love you, but I'm not angry. You were angry. I'm just heartbroken, Derek. You're mine. You're my husband."

"I know. I'm still your husband." He brought up a hand to touch her face. "You're very pale, though."

He was still acting like he cared. And he was the one who wanted to be honest. A dull ache began in her abdomen. Her whole body shook at the pain. She closed her eyes, and then opened them, her eyelids drooping.

"Adds?" He tipped her chin up to get a better look at her. "Are you feeling all right?"

She swallowed dryly, and tilted her head back to breathe. Her throat closed, and she gasped.

"Addie?"

Black spots were clumping at the sides of her vision. She fell back on the cushion of the booth.

"Addison!"

She could still hear him. He leaned over her, holding one of her hands. "It was just a kiss! I didn't sleep with her, okay?"

"Is she okay?" That was Joe's voice. She couldn't tell if her eyes were still open or not. It was kind of dark.

Derek hovered over her. "Yeah. I think so. Get up, Addie."

She took a few breaths, and then raised up on her elbows. She peered at him, as he was still kind of blurry. "You didn't sleep with her?" After every horrible image she had pictured, it wasn't real.

Joe stepped back behind the bar. "I don't even want to know." He held up his hand in a disclaimer.

Derek looked at Addison. "No. I didn't have sex with Meredith. Not since you came to Seattle. I did kiss her though. I kept thinking about you, and I had to find you."

Surprisingly, it wasn't so much of a relief. She didn't feel like she was dying anymore, but she still felt pain. "Why did you let me think that?" He liked to see her hurting. She thought he was done getting revenge, but apparently, that wasn't the case. She didn't know how much more she could take.

He stroked her hair, and attempted to explain. "I don't know...I just said it, and then you assumed the worst." He paused, "I know it was wrong, but I wanted to see how much you loved me."

"So you played with my feelings? Derek! I wanted to die for a moment." Literally. She ran her fingers through her hair, physically trying to pull the thoughts of Derek and Meredith out of her head. "Were you hoping that I would give up and leave? Or did you want me to fight for you?" The way he couldn't fight for her.

"I wanted what you wanted." He moved his face much closer to hers. "Can you forgive me?" He kissed her on the lips, and all of a sudden, Joe was there, pulling at Derek's collar.

Addison stared into space as Derek sheepishly climped out of the booth. He offered Addison his hand and she took it.

Joe who was standing across the bar and pointing to the door. "You two have overstayed your welcome."

* * *

They stood outside of Joe's for a long time, feeling the freezing wind against their faces. Addison tried to warm her fingers by pressing them against her cheeks, but the skin there was just as cold. Derek took the initiative to lead her across the street. She stopped him before they walked through the automatic doors into the hospital. "No. I'm not going in there."

"Addison," he sighed at her ridiculously stubborn personality again, "It's much warmer _inside_ the hospital."

"I don't care." She shook her head. "I'm not going in."

He let go of her hand. "Fine." He went through the doors and into the lobby. He walked over to the window where she was staring outside and waved her in.

She stared at him, and then sat down on the bench. It didn't matter if she got frostbite, or froze herself to death: she was not going back into the hospital. She had to break the cycle that got them there in the first place.

It only took Derek a few minutes before he went back outside to get her. "Let's go home."

She didn't move for a second, but then stood up. "I don't want to go back to the trailer."

"Then where?! Do you want to die out here? I thought we were past that." He stuffed his hands in his pockets and jumped up and down, trying to generate body heat.

"I want to go _home_. To New York."

He looked at her for a minute, and shrugged. "Okay."

Before the sun rose, they boarded a plane to New York City.

* * *

A/N: So, better's author note is here. This is the end, by the way. (Which means it's Addek) Unless someone else wants to continue....It's done. I'm really bad at updating stories, so it's best that this one was short.

Okay, I could write a sequel. But it would be Maddison. And I might not do it.

I had a little blurb in the story to explain the title, but it didn't fit. So in case you were wondering, the King Charles Bible (The 'Wicked' Bible) lists "Thou shall commit adultury" as one of the commandments. Hence the title and all the biblical talk.

Notice that this comes right after the episode "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer". The next episode is "Begin the Begin", which I believe is the first episode that Denny Duquette appears in. So basically, this story leads right up to that. Except Addison and Derek are in New York. I couldn't make them stay in Seattle. Addison didn't want to.

Any other questions that you have, feel free to ask. I think I got everything that I meant to say.

So yeah, thanks for the reviews! That's why I got this up semi-quickly. You all are wonderful.


End file.
